At the University of Connecticut, there is a hill. On this hill, there are several barns. And in these barns live multifarious beasts of the domestic variety. And these beasts produce poop. Lots of it.
The Horse Barn Index (HBI) is a composite atmospheric parameter designed to express the likelihood that the Storrs campus will be inundated by stinky cow farts. It takes into account variables such as wind speed and direction, temperature, dew point, and the strength of the inversion layer aloft. That being said, it's completely unscientific, unverified, and certainly not endorsed by the university.
You might say it's just a bunch of B.S.
| 0 | NONE — The cows actually absorb odors and freshen the air. |
|---|---|
| 1 | VERY LOW — High school seniors tour campus, clueless as usual. Puppies are born and unicorns soar through the crisp air. |
| 2 | LOW — Horses begin to resent cows. Dairy Bar patronage affected. Five-year-olds visiting the barns with families complain frequently. |
| 3 | MODERATE — Noticeable stench likely in parts of campus. Attack squirrels take cover. Police issue excessive parking tickets. |
| 4 | HIGH — Shirt collars placed over noses and mouths. Discernable haze of stink-rays. Lecture attendance down. Even the cows start to notice. |
| 5 | EXTREME — Freshmen venturing outside perish in seconds. Geese consider never returning. West Virginia scores again. |
Created by Rockwell Schrock, UConn class of 2010. Sadly, the Storrs Odor Watch is not affiliated with the University of Connecticut. Generated Monday, June 16, 2025.